Since I have been working on being a help meet for my husband (btw - to order the book at a discounted price AND support a ministry I firmly believe in, please click on the CMOMB banner on the right hand side of this page). Ok... back to my story.
Since I have been working on being a help meet for my husband, my husband has been more free with sharing with me. Especially on things concerning child trainning (an area over which I had taken a lot of control). It hurts to know that my husband has felt a certain way about me for some time, but with held it from me because he didn't want to hurt me and to cause an arguement.
It made me really think... why would my husband be so concerned about hurting me? Prolly because I take offense WAY too easily. My husband loves me and would never want to hurt me. But for him to withold information from me, information that can help me be a better mom and wife, means that I have made him think that I would be hurt. My actions have caused him not to share with me.
But it sure does hurt (I guess that is the part of dying to self thing) to see how he views me. And to know he is right. Before hand, if he had shared with me, I would have been totally upset and crying and pouting (selfishly trying to make him feel bad for saying and thinking that about me), and I would have defended myself. Would have pushed my husband away and built up walls between us.
This time, I simply said "You are right. Tell me what to do." There was a little bit of being down (but it wasn't the pouting like I mentioned above). I did try to smile though (the story of the Ugly Hillbilly comes to mind). And because I didn't react in a way that pushed him away, he actually opened up to me last night about other issues that have been bothering him (with us moving and all) that I have been trying to get him to share with me.
I am so thankful that God is working on me! And I am thankful for a patient husband who put up with me for so long! =^) God's word does not return void!
Friday, April 22, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Don't Wait
My husband used to play the piano all the time while we were dating. He had such a free spirit and would go most anywhere and do most anything. He had a lot more of Mr. Visionary in him than he does now. And that is because of me.
I was so jealous of his time on the piano I would make him feel guilty for playing. So because he loves me, he stopped. I thought that was what I wanted. But now, everytime I hear the piano on the radio, I weep at my sin and in rememberance of the beautiful music my husband used to play.
I was so scared of what might happen that whenever he wanted to go somewhere or do something, I would bring up all these complaints. What if we run out of gas? What if we get stuck there and can't get back? What if... I am sure during our years of dating and early marriage I what if'd the Mr. Visionary right out of my husband!! We still do some fun stuff, and we do a lot more planning than before. But there are still missed opportunities because I was so scared.
For example, we were visiting the Balitmore/DC/NY area in 2000. My husband wanted to goto NY, but I was too scared and started in with the what if's. I may not have said them out loud, but in thinking them and fighting with my husband not to goto NY, we didn't go. I had been able to see the Towers back in 1996 (a graduation present from my parents - a trip to NYC.) But now my husband will never be able to see them. He could have if I had just been more submissive and trusting (him and God).
Now we are planning a trip to Disneyland. A lot of people think we should wait a few years and go when the children are older and able to enjoy it more. I used to have those same arguments running through my head. My husband's grandfather and great-grandfather BOTH worked on building the castle. We live only a two days drive from Disneyland (and who knows when we might move and not be so close). So this is my year to plan our family vacation (he planned the honeymoon, I planed our first year, he planed our second year, etc.). I don't want to miss the opportunity for him to visit this place.
I have learned (and been even more convicted since reading Created to Be His Help Meet) to foster that Mr. Visionary inside my husband. I do hope that one day the music from him playing the piano will fill our house daily. And that we will do more fun things as a family (vacations and even little things nearby). I am learning not to what if my husband to death. And I am learning to be more supportive of ALL his sides (Mr. Visionary, Mr. Steady, and Mr. Command).
I was so jealous of his time on the piano I would make him feel guilty for playing. So because he loves me, he stopped. I thought that was what I wanted. But now, everytime I hear the piano on the radio, I weep at my sin and in rememberance of the beautiful music my husband used to play.
I was so scared of what might happen that whenever he wanted to go somewhere or do something, I would bring up all these complaints. What if we run out of gas? What if we get stuck there and can't get back? What if... I am sure during our years of dating and early marriage I what if'd the Mr. Visionary right out of my husband!! We still do some fun stuff, and we do a lot more planning than before. But there are still missed opportunities because I was so scared.
For example, we were visiting the Balitmore/DC/NY area in 2000. My husband wanted to goto NY, but I was too scared and started in with the what if's. I may not have said them out loud, but in thinking them and fighting with my husband not to goto NY, we didn't go. I had been able to see the Towers back in 1996 (a graduation present from my parents - a trip to NYC.) But now my husband will never be able to see them. He could have if I had just been more submissive and trusting (him and God).
Now we are planning a trip to Disneyland. A lot of people think we should wait a few years and go when the children are older and able to enjoy it more. I used to have those same arguments running through my head. My husband's grandfather and great-grandfather BOTH worked on building the castle. We live only a two days drive from Disneyland (and who knows when we might move and not be so close). So this is my year to plan our family vacation (he planned the honeymoon, I planed our first year, he planed our second year, etc.). I don't want to miss the opportunity for him to visit this place.
I have learned (and been even more convicted since reading Created to Be His Help Meet) to foster that Mr. Visionary inside my husband. I do hope that one day the music from him playing the piano will fill our house daily. And that we will do more fun things as a family (vacations and even little things nearby). I am learning not to what if my husband to death. And I am learning to be more supportive of ALL his sides (Mr. Visionary, Mr. Steady, and Mr. Command).
Monday, April 11, 2005
I just want it to stop
Yesterday my husband and I were stuck indoors because of the blizzard. My husband was getting cups full of snow and bringing them for the girls to eat (How fun to eat snow!). He was using the blender and noticed some black on the blender. He brough me over and long story short, I felt I accused and totally blew up and yelled at him and stormed off in my "You really hurt me" way.
Then my dh was really upset (and understandably so, this crazy woman had just come out of his usually loving and caring wife). He let me know that I was the reason he was so upset and understandably so! I mean I was pouting and trying to make him feel bad for hurting me. I felt accused and rather than staying calm and talking to my husband about it, I flew off the handle. I yelled first (and as I am writing this, I think I am usually the one to yell first or the one to provoke my husband to yell first, either way, I am provoking the arguement).
My oldest started crying and came over to me. I asked her what was wrong (as it was a sincere cry ant not a fake one). She said "I just want it to stop." I asked her what she wanted to stop. "I just want the fighting to stop." OH how my heart broke! "Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy love each other very much! We just need to work this out honey. Everything will be ok." I was saddened by what I was teaching my daughter. I was not teaching her to love her husband, and I was not teaching her to be obedient and loving to her daddy.
I went to dh and we talked about it and I apologized and asked his forgiveness. ALL of this could have been prevented if we had remembered to use LUV talk. Listen Understand Validate. Gary Smalley came up with this type of communication tool and it has greatly helped our marriage. You can learn more about it here.
Anyone who says divorce doesn't affect children don't know what they are talking about. We only had an argument, and my daughter was a basket case.
Of course while dh and I made up and were hugging, I called my oldests attention to it. I wanted her to feel secure in the love her daddy and I have for each other. She came over and joined us in our hug and we all smiled and laughed and things were well again for our oldest in her world. And things felt pretty good in dh and my world too.
I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!
Then my dh was really upset (and understandably so, this crazy woman had just come out of his usually loving and caring wife). He let me know that I was the reason he was so upset and understandably so! I mean I was pouting and trying to make him feel bad for hurting me. I felt accused and rather than staying calm and talking to my husband about it, I flew off the handle. I yelled first (and as I am writing this, I think I am usually the one to yell first or the one to provoke my husband to yell first, either way, I am provoking the arguement).
My oldest started crying and came over to me. I asked her what was wrong (as it was a sincere cry ant not a fake one). She said "I just want it to stop." I asked her what she wanted to stop. "I just want the fighting to stop." OH how my heart broke! "Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy love each other very much! We just need to work this out honey. Everything will be ok." I was saddened by what I was teaching my daughter. I was not teaching her to love her husband, and I was not teaching her to be obedient and loving to her daddy.
I went to dh and we talked about it and I apologized and asked his forgiveness. ALL of this could have been prevented if we had remembered to use LUV talk. Listen Understand Validate. Gary Smalley came up with this type of communication tool and it has greatly helped our marriage. You can learn more about it here.
Anyone who says divorce doesn't affect children don't know what they are talking about. We only had an argument, and my daughter was a basket case.
Of course while dh and I made up and were hugging, I called my oldests attention to it. I wanted her to feel secure in the love her daddy and I have for each other. She came over and joined us in our hug and we all smiled and laughed and things were well again for our oldest in her world. And things felt pretty good in dh and my world too.
I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!
Friday, April 08, 2005
Sisters, Sisters
We are facing a difficult decision in our lives right now about where to move. We of course are praying and want to be submissive to God's will, but we don't know what that is right now. Only that the Lord is leading us to move. And that might mean moving closer to family.
I can't speak for my husband and his relationship with his family, but I will talk about my relationship to that of my sister.
Growing up we fought a lot. I did some horrible things to my sister (nothing jail worthy, but definately not Christian in God's love and mercy). Of course after becoming a Christian, I asked her forgiveness, which she never really said "I forgive you." but more "don't worry about it."
We were never close, and I don't think we will ever have that Hallmark card relationship. I love her and would do most anything for her. I wept with her when she couldn't concive, and wept tears of joy when they did (she is due in early December). But we are not close. I am told my sister tried to get away from me since she was born. She always asked to be in the playpen where I could not reach her.
Which brings me to my three daughters. They are pretty close right now, but I so worry that they will lose sight of the VALUE of a sister relationship. While right now they do love and care for each other deeply, how can I foster that deeper bonding of sisterhood? I mean, when they look at my relationship with my sister, I fear they will see me as a hypocrite. Although I am trying, my sister and I just are not that close.
So hubby and I were talking last night about the importance of stressing that a sister friendship is very valuable. To be gentle and kind and loving to your sister. She will always be your sister. Playing up the importance of sisters. I know that I would love to have all my daughters (and any other children the Lord should bless us with) all living on a huge peice of land, their children playing with their cousins. That they would enjoy living that close and seeing each other that often.
But I also know from personal experience that if I don't encourage the sibling relationship, that it won't happen. There are times when we stay in a hotel or don't come at all because of stressed relations between hubby and I and our siblings. And it is one of the inhibiting factors of us just picking up and moving closer to family. I know it hurts our parents, because it would hurt hubby and I as parents to see our siblings not visiting because they would have to visit with the other siblings.
I can't speak for my husband and his relationship with his family, but I will talk about my relationship to that of my sister.
Growing up we fought a lot. I did some horrible things to my sister (nothing jail worthy, but definately not Christian in God's love and mercy). Of course after becoming a Christian, I asked her forgiveness, which she never really said "I forgive you." but more "don't worry about it."
We were never close, and I don't think we will ever have that Hallmark card relationship. I love her and would do most anything for her. I wept with her when she couldn't concive, and wept tears of joy when they did (she is due in early December). But we are not close. I am told my sister tried to get away from me since she was born. She always asked to be in the playpen where I could not reach her.
Which brings me to my three daughters. They are pretty close right now, but I so worry that they will lose sight of the VALUE of a sister relationship. While right now they do love and care for each other deeply, how can I foster that deeper bonding of sisterhood? I mean, when they look at my relationship with my sister, I fear they will see me as a hypocrite. Although I am trying, my sister and I just are not that close.
So hubby and I were talking last night about the importance of stressing that a sister friendship is very valuable. To be gentle and kind and loving to your sister. She will always be your sister. Playing up the importance of sisters. I know that I would love to have all my daughters (and any other children the Lord should bless us with) all living on a huge peice of land, their children playing with their cousins. That they would enjoy living that close and seeing each other that often.
But I also know from personal experience that if I don't encourage the sibling relationship, that it won't happen. There are times when we stay in a hotel or don't come at all because of stressed relations between hubby and I and our siblings. And it is one of the inhibiting factors of us just picking up and moving closer to family. I know it hurts our parents, because it would hurt hubby and I as parents to see our siblings not visiting because they would have to visit with the other siblings.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
So Much More
So for two days now, no mess ups!! Of course, hubby has been working longer hours which means less time together, which means less time for me to mess up. LOL!
It is amazing how much JOY I have in my life. And how much desire and LOVE I have for my husband since reading this book! I have been very convicted and realize just how far I have to go, but all in all, I feel that I now have the tools to make me a better help meet and mother. Beforehand, I just knew that I should be submissive, but didn't really know how. And couldn't really tell when I blew it. But now, I can tell when I blow it (before my dh has to tell me) and can ask forgiveness and change things.
And I never thought that a deeper desire and love for my husband would pop up as a result of this. But that verse in Genesis pops in my head: Gen 3:16 "Your desire shall be for your husband." He is now my desire. I not only desire him physically, but I also desire to please him and serve him and make his life as easy and pleasureable as possible.
I almost cry when I think of all the years I wasted being what I thought was submissive, but was actually digging an early grave for my husband. I feel like I used to be rotteness to his bones. I can look back and even see where my unsubmission and not being a help meet actually caused strained relationships between him and his family. And caused him to think poorly of himself. It is amazing how easily one can think they are being submissive because she is doing what the church ladies say is submission. I am so thankful I have been drawn to God's word as the standard for what it means to be submissive.
But there is so much more to being a help meet than just being submissive. I never realized that before. I always thought if I was being submissive, I was filling my God given role. But God never gave the woman a role of being submissive. He gave her the role of being a help meet - THAT is why she was created. And I was missing the mark by focusing only on submission. That is one tiny (but very important) part of the whole picture.
It is amazing how much JOY I have in my life. And how much desire and LOVE I have for my husband since reading this book! I have been very convicted and realize just how far I have to go, but all in all, I feel that I now have the tools to make me a better help meet and mother. Beforehand, I just knew that I should be submissive, but didn't really know how. And couldn't really tell when I blew it. But now, I can tell when I blow it (before my dh has to tell me) and can ask forgiveness and change things.
And I never thought that a deeper desire and love for my husband would pop up as a result of this. But that verse in Genesis pops in my head: Gen 3:16 "Your desire shall be for your husband." He is now my desire. I not only desire him physically, but I also desire to please him and serve him and make his life as easy and pleasureable as possible.
I almost cry when I think of all the years I wasted being what I thought was submissive, but was actually digging an early grave for my husband. I feel like I used to be rotteness to his bones. I can look back and even see where my unsubmission and not being a help meet actually caused strained relationships between him and his family. And caused him to think poorly of himself. It is amazing how easily one can think they are being submissive because she is doing what the church ladies say is submission. I am so thankful I have been drawn to God's word as the standard for what it means to be submissive.
But there is so much more to being a help meet than just being submissive. I never realized that before. I always thought if I was being submissive, I was filling my God given role. But God never gave the woman a role of being submissive. He gave her the role of being a help meet - THAT is why she was created. And I was missing the mark by focusing only on submission. That is one tiny (but very important) part of the whole picture.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Repeat
I know, I know. I sound like a broken record now talking about how great this Created to Be His Help Meet book is. But it is good! :)
So we are doing some major decluttering of the house, and I am one who LOVES books. We do NOT like to get rid of books. I collect them. Hubby collects them. And they seem to reproduce at night on the shelves! LOL!! And with marriage and specifically women in marriage being a topic close to my heart, I have collected several books on the subject. Every time we declutter I have always been hesitant to get rid of them. What if there was ONE thing in there I needed to hear that could help me to be a better wife? What if there is something in there that can help my marriage to be exceptional?
But how much time I would have to waste to read all those books! So after reading Mrs. Pearl's book, I am learning SO MUCH that I realized that most of the books I have are MILK compared to this hunk of meat! So while I am keeping some (which I have read and I would consider good milk to give to baby Christians), I am finally able to release some of these other books.
I am looking through some of them. I know at the time I must have thought it would be a great book to read. But some of them are very feministic in their ideas. Not honoring to God OR my husband at all. So glad I am finally getting rid of them.
I am so excited about all the freedom that comes with this! Freedom with my time (instead of reading those books, I can be enjoying my family or applying what I am learning from Mrs. Pearl's book). Freedom from clutter (more open space and not so much to clean). Freedom from feeling I have to read those books!
So we are doing some major decluttering of the house, and I am one who LOVES books. We do NOT like to get rid of books. I collect them. Hubby collects them. And they seem to reproduce at night on the shelves! LOL!! And with marriage and specifically women in marriage being a topic close to my heart, I have collected several books on the subject. Every time we declutter I have always been hesitant to get rid of them. What if there was ONE thing in there I needed to hear that could help me to be a better wife? What if there is something in there that can help my marriage to be exceptional?
But how much time I would have to waste to read all those books! So after reading Mrs. Pearl's book, I am learning SO MUCH that I realized that most of the books I have are MILK compared to this hunk of meat! So while I am keeping some (which I have read and I would consider good milk to give to baby Christians), I am finally able to release some of these other books.
I am looking through some of them. I know at the time I must have thought it would be a great book to read. But some of them are very feministic in their ideas. Not honoring to God OR my husband at all. So glad I am finally getting rid of them.
I am so excited about all the freedom that comes with this! Freedom with my time (instead of reading those books, I can be enjoying my family or applying what I am learning from Mrs. Pearl's book). Freedom from clutter (more open space and not so much to clean). Freedom from feeling I have to read those books!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Work Work Work
It amazes me how much MORE work I have to do to correct the repercussions of my unsubmission than the work I have to do to die to myself and submit. It would have been much less work to say "what a great idea to plant bulbs honey, how can I help?" than to spend the hours of feeling guilty and bad for saying "we have so much more that needs to be done first" which translated as "what a silly idea and waste of time - you are a silly man for thinking that!" I have spent more time and energy trying to win back my husband's heart and smile with asking forgiveness and seeking for ways to repair the damage I have done to my husband's esteem. Trying to smile (remembering the story of the ugly hillbilly). Making sure he has water while working in the hot sun. Telling him I am proud of him.
I heard somewhere (Gary Smalley I think), that it takes 12 positives to make up for one negative thing spoken. I know that I hurt my husband by my unwillingness to be the help meet God created me to be. And while I have already said 12 things (it is amazing how hard it is to find 12 positive things to do and say when you know you have hurt your man), I know I gotta keep it up. I am still learning and making mistakes and am gonna need some positives in that love bank to cover up those negatives I pray won't come, but know they might.
I heard somewhere (Gary Smalley I think), that it takes 12 positives to make up for one negative thing spoken. I know that I hurt my husband by my unwillingness to be the help meet God created me to be. And while I have already said 12 things (it is amazing how hard it is to find 12 positive things to do and say when you know you have hurt your man), I know I gotta keep it up. I am still learning and making mistakes and am gonna need some positives in that love bank to cover up those negatives I pray won't come, but know they might.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
What do you want?
Ever since I began reading the book by Mrs. Pearl, DAILY I have been put to the test. I guess God is answering my prayer to make me a doer and not just a hearer of what I am reading. So last night, I asked my husband what he wanted to eat for dinner (I had not yet gotten to chapter 15, which is a huge conviction in my life) and he said that he was going to make himself a salad. Yuck. I am not in the mood for a salad tonight. "But I don't want a salad," I replied hoping he would ask what I want and we could have what I wanted for dinner. He gently reminded me that I had asked what HE wanted for dinner, and that I could have anything I wanted. So, I said "You are right" and went down stairs and washed and cut and dried the lettuce for him to have his own salad. I also made him some Tension Tamer tea. I put the cup of tea next to the bowl of lettuce and left him a note telling him how much I love him and how I am so proud of him, and then ran out to do some errands (I wasn't so hungry after that). =^) I came home to a very happy (and well feed) husband!
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